7 myths about kids of divorce you should stop believing in right away

7 myths about kids of divorce you should stop believing in right away

Nobody likes the trauma of an imminent divorce to get to their children, here are a few things you should stop worrying about.

We imagine and want to believe that image of parents at their best form. For growing children, the harmony between their primary caregivers - their mother and father - make up a lot of what they associate with peace and order as well as their sense of security. 

Children feel distraught when they repeatedly see their parents fight (Pexels)
Children feel distraught when they repeatedly see their parents fight (Pexels)

Studies have shown that children, who witness their parents' hostile behaviors and conflicts, suffer fitting in at school and home as their behavior is more expressive of the violence they witness. Its difficult to image what do they actually feel about their parents separating for good.

If its bad the parents, its worse for the kids (Pexels)
If its bad the parents, its worse for the kids (Pexels)

With almost 50 percent of marriages in America ending up in divorce, there are more than a few labels and social judgments that come into the picture when a couple is considering separation. When divorce is treated as a taboo subject, it is bound to brew a few of its myths that can keep you from making a better choice for your kids, a report by Fatherly confirms. 

Stigmatization is another problem that tags along with the divorce (Pexels)
Stigmatization is another problem that tags along with the divorce (Pexels)

Amidst the chaos and confusion, children tend to suffer the most due to the uncertainty and misinformation. Parents need to be able to provide proper information. While they do that, they are likely to encounter the following myths about divorce which the parents should not consider while making decisions for their children. 

Check out the ones which you should be careful of.

1. Hiding the divorce will protect your kids

Many of the parents feel that creating a reality different from one where they are getting separated will make their job easier when the things actually go south. Its true that young kids look better with their innocence intact and parents simply try to keep it together for as long as they can. However, they are overlooking the fact that children can see things too. 

Image used for representation (Pexels)
Image used for representation (Pexels)

Children are particularly attuned to the way of life and relationship dynamics that they observe in their parents on a daily basis. Even if they are young to understand adult stuff, they can't ignore verbal or physical conflicts that parents might have while contemplating divorce. 

Kids notice the changing dynamics between their parents (Pexels)
Kids notice the changing dynamics between their parents (Pexels)

Parents, together, must strive to give the child the confirmation that he/she would still be loved, despite them going their separate ways. Often times, when the child is left to make sense of things on their own, they end up blaming themselves for the chaos, which can be a very tough spot to be in. So parents should ensure that they relieve them of that burden.

A simple conversation, with no minced words or cryptic hints or sarcasm, can be a way to protect your child better. 

2. Overnight stay with divorced dads is ill-advised

Spending time with any parent should not be a constraint (Pexels)
Spending time with any parent should not be a constraint (Pexels)

As if this has become a norm, people generally seem to follow it. It's taken for granted that only mothers care about the young children enough to ensure their safety. The operating misconception here is that if a fathers were to spend time with their kids overnight, maternal bonding can be infringed upon. 

Image used for representation (Pexels)
Image used for representation (Pexels)

This misconception is rebutted by a study which states the exact opposite of what this myth suggests. Spending time with divorced fathers overnights is said to benefit the kids, not right away, but as they mature. Overnights were said to have a positive effect on the sense of security and stronger relationships in the future with both their parents. 

3. Children worry about their emotions when the divorce happens

Image used for representation (Pexels)
Image used for representation (Pexels)

Emotions are a big deal when the only two people they permanently know are not going to be there for them when they need. Parents understand and empathize with the confusion the child is going through. Informed parents would consider their child's emotions about the divorce. But that's not all that children's main concern is. 

Image used for representation (Pexels) 
Image used for representation (Pexels) 

Children tend to suffer from physical ailments when their parents are getting divorced. The stress that is prevalent during such times can have an adverse effect on the child's immune system. Some of the symptoms that are commonly seen are: loss of weight, loss of appetite, stomach problems. Do not overlook their physical suffering while focusing on their emotions. 

4. Splitting holidays in half works for the children

Image used for representation (Pexels)
Image used for representation (Pexels)

We all acknowledge that it's always fair to allow both the parents to keep the kids for equal times. However, what logic does not account for is the hassle that goes into transporting the children from one home to the other. The decision of splitting the holiday takes much more out of all the parties involved. Multiple time-consuming obstructions play a role when the holiday season is full of people traveling. 

Image used for representation (Pexels)
Image used for representation (Pexels)

A good amount of time can be taken out by just traveling. Stringent and absolute territories only make it harder for both the parents, especially when the time is limited. Rather than dividing the child's holiday, both the parents should take out time and meet at one place for the holiday. 

5. Parents need not have common rules for kids

Image used for representation (Pexels) 
Image used for representation (Pexels) 

Some parents tend to make the rules different than those set by their fresh exes, just to mark out the dominance or difference. However, children tend to feel a lot more under pressure while coping with two distinct sets of the standards and expectations their mom and dad set. 

Image used for representation (Pexels) 
Image used for representation (Pexels) 

Having these distinct sets of rules may confuse the child and lead them to make mistakes. This can be perceived as a mark of offense or slight being extended by the child, while they are just confused; and that can lead to further conflict. Co-parenting can be a good way to deal with this. It will allow more consistency while disciplining the child, and keep rules consistent to guide their growth.

6. It's better to warn kids about a 'bad' ex-partner

The only important things that the child must know about the divorce are: why it is happening, how the child has no fault in it and he/she will be loved the same way. Other things only matter if a crime involved or an affair is involved. 

If one of their parents is driving the child to believe that the other of their parents is 'bad' and is not socially acceptable, it can heighten their anger and guilt because it conflicts with what they have seen being so closely attached to them. Badmouthing about the other parent can lead to future problems. 

7. The trauma is lesser for preschoolers 

Image used for representation (Pexels)  
Image used for representation (Pexels)  

People find it advisable to go for a divorce when the child is too young to form any memory of the trauma that the divorce involves. if the child can't remember the yelling and the abuse or the shock, they'll be fine later. 

Image used for representation (Pexels) 
Image used for representation (Pexels) 

A study in child development suggests that the kids can form memories from when they are as young as two years old. They can know the alterations in their environment and record the trauma. It's only when the child is younger than two that they can adapt to the divorce. 

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