Therapist brilliantly explains why children act out more with one parent — usually the mom

Some parents,  often dads in heterosexual relationships, have had the opinion -  how 'easy' their kids are - when the other parent isn’t around. The common narrative is that they claim it’s because they’re firmer with boundaries and discipline. But one mom on TikTok, Jenna (@ifitwerentfunny), isn’t buying it. In her now-viral video, she suggests a very different explanation. She says it’s not that the kids behave better with dads, it’s that the dads aren’t their emotional anchors.

Jenna argues that in many families, especially those with traditional caregiving roles, one parent naturally becomes the child’s emotional home base. That parent, often the mother, bears the brunt of tantrums, clinginess, and meltdowns, and it is not because they’re failing at parenting, but because the child feels safest with them. “You’re not the emotional well,” Jenna says. “You’re just not the person they’ve been tethered to their entire life.”

Experts agree that her point is more than just a hot take. Therapist Crystal Britt explains that in two-parent households, children typically bond most strongly with the parent who is more emotionally present, reports Parents.  That connection makes them feel secure enough to express their full emotional range, even when it’s messy. The parent who’s less emotionally involved often ends up mistaking calm behavior for effective parenting, without realizing they’re stepping into a dynamic that’s already been emotionally managed by someone else.

Psychiatrist Dr. Zishan Khan also added that children are wired to unload on the person they trust the most. That might look like defiance, frustration, or emotional outbursts, but it’s actually a sign of deep attachment, as reported by Parents.  This is especially common with younger children who haven’t yet developed strong emotional regulation skills. They "offload" onto the parent they feel safest with, which can make that parent feel unfairly targeted or overwhelmed.

For some families, the idea of a “primary parent” doesn’t quite apply. As @we don't share names puts it, “As a dad, I didn’t realize this was a thing. Our kid will fluctuate who he emotionally confides in, it just depends on how he feels. That being said, we’re both pretty active in his life. No primary parent.” In homes where caregiving is shared evenly and both parents are equally present emotionally, this fluidity can feel natural and balanced. But for many other families, the emotional weight of parenting doesn’t fall equally. As the user points out, “Dads get to be in the moment, moms are living in the now and also prepping for this time tomorrow.”

Then there are differences in how each parent spends time with the kids. @Silly Goose says,  “Also, dad puts shows on and stuffs them with snacks for hours. Then everyone is overstimulated and doesn’t want to eat dinner, and he’s all, ‘I don't know why they’re acting like this. They were fine for me." It's not about one parent doing it wrong; it’s about how one gets the fun, while the other is left handling the fallout. @Tanya | Love Lawyer 🇨🇦 🇦🇺 adds, “I see this a lot, mom is their safe space, so she sees the ‘come down’ when they get back from dad’s. It’s not that dad is bad, it’s just how it is when mom was always the primary carer.”

For more videos like this, you can follow @ifitwerentfunny on TikTok.