This mom is completely against 'gentle parenting,' but people say that’s exactly what she’s doing
Over the last decade, “gentle parenting” has become a buzzword, touted by psychologists, influencers, and parenting coaches as the gold standard for raising emotionally intelligent children. Unlike authoritarian styles that emphasize punishment, or permissive styles that avoid confrontation, gentle parenting encourages empathy, emotional validation, and open communication. But as the philosophy gains traction on social media, a growing number of parents are questioning what happens when it doesn’t seem to work.
Sharing under the handle u/pb_and_s, a mother took to Reddit to share her growing doubts about gentle parenting, a method she had fully embraced even before the birth of her first child five years ago.“I was enthusiastic to apply a ‘better’ parenting method than my parents had with me,” she wrote, describing how she had researched emotional development and discipline theories extensively. But over the past year, things started to unravel. Her child’s meltdowns became frequent, and boundaries were constantly challenged, despite her attempts to be calm, kind, and communicative.“I tried to follow all the advice, letting them ‘feel’ their emotions. Nothing worked.”
The tipping point came when her child screamed that dinner was “disgusting” and threw, food they had asked for. She finally snapped. “I yelled that I didn’t care if they ate or not, but there would be nothing else and certainly no snacks or sugar.” In response, she and her husband stripped back privileges: no screen time, no sugar, no toys. Surprisingly, the child’s behavior started improving. “They are starting to actually apologise and, for the most part, managing to keep a relatively level head.”
Still, the emotional cost lingered. “I keep crying to my husband and telling him I feel I am damaging my child,” she wrote. But he reassured her that their child was just adjusting.“I’m starting to think gentle parenting is not ideal and I should have been more authoritarian from the start,” she concluded, thereby sparking a much wider debate online about whether all children really benefit from this popular approach.
The post struck a nerve, prompting thousands of Reddit users to weigh in. Many shared similar struggles, while others pointed out that the mother may have misunderstood what gentle parenting truly involves. One commenter, u/Dunnoaboutu, argued that the issue wasn’t gentle parenting itself, but an imbalance in its application. “Honestly, it looks like you went too far on the ‘gentle’ and not far enough on the ‘parenting,’” they wrote. “Parenting means consequences that are consistent and in line with what is happening. They are also supposed to be a deterrent for future behavior, which it sounds like yours weren’t.”
Others clarified the common misconception that gentle parenting means being lenient or lacking structure. u/Effective_mom1919 wrote, “Structure and rules are not the opposite of gentle parenting. Screaming and hitting are.” Some tried to reframe the conversation altogether. u/mblueskies suggested the mother might be leaning toward a different model. “You aren't making a mistake. But I think what you are seeking is authoritative parenting, not authoritarian,” they said. “Authoritative parents set reasonable but firm boundaries based on principles like respecting yourself, other people, and possessions. It's not just ‘because I said so,’ but you don’t need to tolerate bratty behavior.”